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do i have a chance?--need help and advices

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1 do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Tue Dec 01, 2015 4:16 pm

wengramos


Arresto Menor
I am a mother 2 kids (2yrs old girl and 1 yr old boy).  Im still singe but the father has acknowledged  my children by signing the back portion of the birth certs; infact, the kids are bringing the family name of their dad.
Facts:
*He built us a small house but doesn’t live with us.  But he goes to our house everyday, eat lunch and dinner with us and puts the children to sleep.
* The whole time we were together, I have been accustomed to his being a habitual womanizer, even having other children from other women, yet because of love i chose not to talk about it and pretended nothing happened.
* I am not hurt physically but emotionally and mentally ive been hurt so many times.  I been called with hurting words like mukhang pera, manggagamit etc but i just cried and forgave him for my love for him is conditional.
*He doesn’t give allowance for our daily food at home (me, 2 yayas and 2 kids) but its ok .. I have work..
* he pays for school, yayas milk and medical expenses
*He hid me and the kids away from the public fearing his parents will find out about us.. They belong to a wealthy chinese family in our place.  I come from a poor family.

Lately we had a big fight which prompted him to leave bringing with him the 2 children.  I am not allowed to talk or see the kids and I am also not allowed to visit the kids in school.. im so afraid the children will forget me as they are still so  young. Thats why im thinking of filing a custody case against him.

I begged several times tried to settle things amicably but the other party is not cooperating.  I even proposed for a shared custody coz being the mother i miss the children terribly.  He is strong in his stand that he will not return the kids for the following  reasons he made such a big deal:
1) safety of the children- during our fight, i tried to call and text to we could settle the problem. but he ignored me.. I was desperate and confused so I was able to text him something like Im threatening the lives of the kids.. but of course that was just my stupid tactic to lure him to reply to my call and messages.  i even texted him to bring the children with him, but of course it was just my tactic again.  Now he is using those texts against me

2.)Im a drinker- yes i drink but only a maximum of 1 bottle at night..I learned to drink my problems away the whole time I was with him.. Seeing and hearing him with different women, the painful and insulting words kept lingering in my thoughts. That is why I just drink and just sleep because i dont want to confront  him the problem because I was afraid wed fight over it and that he will leave me.

3) I dont have time for my children-- no thats not true.. Im an average income earner and have to work 8 hours a day 6 days a week..That’s why he sees it as not enough time to be with my children.  He on the other hand, is the boss of his own company and can choose when to go to work or not. Naturally he has more time with the kids than me.

4) I physically hurt the children- I may have done it on certain instances but only as a way of disciplining them when they are not behaving..I sometimes naman mapapalo ng parents yung mga anak nila pag sobra likot na...and misbeahving na

5) I dont have the financial capacity- yes thats true im earning just the minimum in our place, but dba sharing naman dapat yung gastusin.. I provide for the food and other needs sa bahay while he takes care of the school and medical exp?  Ganun naman set up namin sa bahay dati pa.. He never gave me allowance para sa pagkain or the mga bills even considered na milyonaryo sha.

I want to know is it possible for me not to be awarded the custody for those reasons stated above?

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wengramos


Arresto Menor
Help i need opinions and advices..

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Lunkan


Reclusion Perpetua
"I want to know is it possible for me not to be awarded the custody for those reasons stated above?"
Yes. it's risk you lose.
p3 is not a reason (as long as kids are proper taken care of).

p1 and p2 are big risks.
"Im a drinker- yes i drink but only a maximum of 1 bottle at night..I learned to drink my problems away the whole time I was with him.."
That's a bad "solution" both with and without kids.
You can REDUCE the risk you wiill lose a custody case by stop drinking TOTALY. With 1 bottle a day it's big risk you are alcoholic ADICT. Adicts CAN'T handle drinking a litle, that will MAKE failure fallbacks into drinking to much (but I don't know if it's best to stop totaly direct or reduce step by step until stop totaly some later.)

It seem in your text as you see you as an excluse couple although you know he has others.,,
He will NOT change that behavior.
To REDUCE YOUR STRESS concerning that, you need to decide how you will handle this. You need to DECIDE and FOLLOW what you decide.
(/Start seeing your relation as NOT exclusive. From what you write, I believe you CAN'T do that emotionaly.)
/Or start seing your relation as SEPARATED, who still have FRIEND contact because of the KIDS. IF both accept you are only friends, it can be a GOOD relation (=He can still come and have relation with the KIDS as before, but you will NOT have relation involving sex. Because otherwice I don't believe you can stop thinking of it as exclusive.)


"He hid me and the kids away from the public fearing his parents will find out about us.. They belong to a wealthy chinese family in our place. I come from a poor family."
Perhaps this can be YOUR SAVING from the risk you would lose in court. =He is afraid of LOSE FACE noticed by his family. And if the family know, they can be affraid of lose face noticed by others.

AFTER you have solved your drinking problem, I would try to get an ok situation back same/similar as it was before he took the kids, using the lose face argument. (But tell it SOFT to avoid fight and give him chance to keep face with you now. Say you want to AVOID HE lose face, but if he force you to go to court, then all will be PUBLIC. And suggest you will go back to as it was before (except you have stoped drinking (and perhaps a change in the relation between you, depending of what you decide, BUT DON'T bring up this last until AFTER the rest is solved and the kids are BACK with you.)

-
I don't know if it's illegal he took the children. (Because he stand as father at documents and he can "prove" the risk because of your messages. If he hadn't then it surely would have been illegal.)
IF the "soft" solution attempt don't function, this can perhaps be a strong weapon FOR you, if it become a legal case, so it's worth checking so you know if you have that weapon or not.

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4 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Wed Dec 02, 2015 12:04 am

wengramos


Arresto Menor
Thank u for taking time to read and for the insigts..i will have to go through it sentence by sentence..appreciate much

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wengramos


Arresto Menor
Should i give up seeking custody then? I know i do now stand a chance given the circumtances plus the fact na it will be costly on my part.but if i do will my children hate me for not fighting for them?

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Lunkan


Reclusion Perpetua
Don't give up. But try to AVOID conflict, because as the situation is NOW it's big risk you will lose.
If you solve your drinking problem (= Not drink at all) then one of the things talking against you is solved. And people with alcohol problem do other things wrong too, because of the thinking don't function good and having much less patient, so stop drinking kind of solve the other errors too.
If you can show you have stoped drinking, you have much biger chance to get custody or part of it. And if you stop drinking, perhaps the father of your kids find it ok to let your kids live with you again or meet them regularly even WITHOUT it need to be a case.

You can tell NOW to the father of your kids you stop drinking. DON'T argue or "hunt" him.
Then let the situation CALM DOWN during you start the process to manage to stop drinking. You need to CONCENTRATE at that anyway to succeed. That will take a while to stabilice, but after some time DURING that process you can tell the progress to the father of your children and ask KINDLY to get to see your kids WITH THE FATHER THERE. If you solve your drinking problem, and if he see the change and is reasonable, then there is some chance the problem will be solved WITHOUT fight of custody. Fights of custody are not good for the kids anyway, much better if separated parents can treat each other friendly and AGREE about where the kids live and when the other can meet them.
(For instance if the parents live close enough, some have solved it so the kids live each second week with each parent or Friday afternoon - Sunday with one parent and with the other when it's school.)
Or if the father find your behavour better, he will perhaps agree to have it as it was before   Smile  (=The kids live with you, but he come and are wiith them.) Or perhaps they are with him during the hours you work and in your home the rest of the time.

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thepoetsedge


Reclusion Perpetua
First off, I am saddened to read such a dire situation in your family. I wish things would get better for you.

I have a question, though: How old are your kids?

I ask this because the Family Code states that "children below 7 years of age shall be with the custody of their mother." That is the general rule. The exception to that is if the mother is, basically, not fit to take care of the kids since the Court will decide what is best for the kids.

The alcoholic dependency is worrisome, because that gives an impression that you are not under control when it comes to your vices. Coupled with the occasional moments that you physically disciplined your children, your husband's counsel MAY spin the story in a way that your alcoholism is connected with how you discipline your kids. Definitely, affected yung chances mo of winning custody if the judge chooses to give greater weight to the side of your husband.

In order to show the court your sincerity in taking care of your children, you must show proof that you are doing everything that you possibly can to get rid of your alcoholic tendencies. How? You can join an alcoholics anonymous therapy group to find ways on how to get rid of such. If you choose to do the aforementioned, ask for a certificate that proves your membership in said group. That way, the court will see that you are recovering and doing all that you can to become a better mother for your kids.

I understand that you are financially challenged right now. My advice for you is to seek the PAO's (Public Attorney's Office) assistance regarding your matter. Relay your story and bring the necessary evidences (text messages, etc.) that will prove the exchanges that happened between you and your husband. Hopefully, the PAO can give enough time regarding your case since they are usually backlogged with a lot of cases to handle.

Alternatively, try to settle things with your husband. Seek the help of a marriage counsel, if needed. May mga Philippine Women's Help Desk din sa mga City Halls, try to seek aid din dun. Ask for mediation para makapag-usap kayo ng asawa mo with a neutral 3rd party that can help provide a different perspective para sa inyong dalawa.

Sana maayos ang mga problema nyo sa tamang pamamaraan. Good luck.

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8 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Sat Dec 05, 2015 10:07 am

wengramos


Arresto Menor
Hello LUNKAN.. Thank you for your time..Actually to quit drinking is a problem.. I know i Can.. Its just that , when im bored, its where I resort.  Will i considered alcohol addict even if i dont get drunk? Smile  But if quitting helps then Im willing to do that.

As of now, I do not ave any plans of bothering them as i see my kids have better future  in their  hands.  They can give things that I cannot given my financial capabilities..  All i want nalang is for my kids not to forget me.. maybe time to be with them.. wheeeeww life...

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9 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Sat Dec 05, 2015 10:16 am

wengramos


Arresto Menor
Thanks the poetsedge for taking time to read my long and messy story. I have a 2 yrs old girl and 1 yr old boy. for the record, I dont think im alcohol dependent because I can live without it.. Its just during that time it was my way of escaping the problem and boredom .. But I know I can readily quit drinking If i want to.. a matter of mind setting lang..kay if therapy looks like grabe na yung pagiging alcoholic..

PAO, they say I do not qualify coz I have a work and is earning quite above minimum..plus, isnt it nga PAO is only for defendants? Should I continue my case I will be the petitioner man..

Bdway, we are not married . Smile Im also willing for an out of court amicable settlement but its the other party who is not willing to do so..Thats another problem..I cannot solve this problem alone i also need his coopearation..

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10 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Sat Dec 05, 2015 7:43 pm

Lunkan


Reclusion Perpetua
"Will i considered alcohol addict even if i dont get drunk? Wink "
Yes Smile when drinking much and regularly, then it's normaly addict.

"I dont think im alcohol dependent because I can live without it.."
Good. Then you can quit totaly Smile

"All i want nalang is for my kids not to forget me.. maybe time to be with them.."
That's an ok goal, if you find it ok.

"Bdway, we are not married . Smile Im also willing for an out of court amicable settlement but its the other party who is not willing to do so..Thats another problem..I cannot solve this problem alone i also need his coopearation.."
You not being married can be an ADVANTAGE for you, as well as the young age of the kids, IF you will aim at geting the custody. The mother is the basic rule, the father have to prove the mother don't suit as mother.

Perhaps he will be prepared to solve the problem, including you meeting the kids, if he see you have CHANGED by stoped drinking.

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11 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Sat Dec 05, 2015 8:34 pm

wengramos


Arresto Menor
Thank u Lunkan.appreciate much ur tym..

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12 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Sun Dec 06, 2015 3:36 pm

thepoetsedge


Reclusion Perpetua
Good to know that your tendency to drink alcoholic beverages is manageable. Many custody cases kasi use various factors (aforementioned included) to determine whether or not a parent is fit for the custody of his/her children.

The PAO is a form of public service, so even though you are not a defendant, they should be able to give you free legal advice regarding the matter. In lieu of the PAO, you may want to seek the help of the City Prosecutor in the nearest City Hall. There are also many help desks when it comes to your situation, like a women's help desk sa mga city hall that may recommend you to a lawyer that accepts family cases in a pro bono basis.

In order to avoid litigation altogether, ask the father of your kids if he is willing to undergo mediation or conciliation procedures under a neutral third party. Many cases do not undergo litigation because settlements can be reached through such methods. If you need further assistance in approaching your kids' father, DSWD and Women's Help Desk representatives may be able to help you out.

Again, good luck. Do whatever you can to get custody of your kids. We will do our best to give you proper advice, but it is best to hear the professional opinion of a lawyer other than us forumers here.

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13 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Sun Dec 06, 2015 9:26 pm

wengramos


Arresto Menor
Actually my concern is that as much as possible i dont want to drag my kids i to this problem.. Of i file ha eas corpus they say they will be produced in court..i cannot imagine what will happen..how will they react..theyre too young to understand what going on..ive been praying a lot and i seek opinions like u guys have been giving me..but im still so confused..

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14 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Sun Dec 06, 2015 10:49 pm

thepoetsedge


Reclusion Perpetua
Kung magiging full-blown case ito, inevitable that they will be dragged into the court hearings. Such is the nature of custody cases in general.

Habeas Corpus can be filed in order for your kids to appear in court via court order. But that presupposes a case already filed in court. Kung kaya pang daanin sa ibang pamamaraan, doon muna. Huwag munang litigation, since that (ideally) should be only used as the last resort between parties.

Establish communication sa father ng kids mo, pati na rin sa family nya. Make sure that you talk to them as calmly as you can, trying to gain their trust little by little. When the time comes, try to talk about reconciling with him and maybe doon na rin papasok nun yung healing. Mere speculation, I know, but there is still hope since di pa naman nasa worst-case scenario yung problem mo.

Good luck. May the force be with you.

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15 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Mon Dec 07, 2015 7:34 pm

wengramos


Arresto Menor
Yeah i hate to drg my kids into this mess...in both scenarious whoever wins between me and my partner good for him or for me but bottom libe ang ultimste loser will be our kids..kaya in thinking of letting go nalang but yeah i still ask the other party for a possible settelement.

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16 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Mon Dec 07, 2015 11:22 pm

Lunkan


Reclusion Perpetua
Well. It's good to try to avoid fifghts, specialy when the kids notice,
but it's not good to let go to much =Need to try to meet the kids.
But it can be best to let it REST until you have stoped drinking.

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17 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Wed Dec 16, 2015 2:46 am

Hi Weng,

Based on my understanding, you are not married with the father of your kids. If that is the case, you should not worry since mothers of illegitimate children get SOLE parental custody over the kids. The father only has visitation rights, thus your kids are under your sole parental authority.

You can only be denied of this right, once there are compelling reasons- and habitual drunkenness is one of them. I agree with thepoetsedge when he said you husbands side may spin the story of you just drinking a glass, to you being a drunk. You have a job, so the only thing they might use against you is the drinking- but you can try fixing this habit if you really want your kids to stay with you.

Again, your husband cannot take the kids away from you. He only has visitation rights, not custody.

Please note that I am not a lawyer. This comment is just based on research and consultations, since I too, am a parent of a child born out of wedlock. Goodluck!

Thanks,

Scared_and_Scarred_Mommy

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18 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Wed Dec 16, 2015 5:32 pm

wengramos


Arresto Menor
HI there .Scared_and_Scarred_Mommy.. thank you for the insights.. well yeah i understand what u guys are trying to say.. right now, im trying to straighten my self keep myself busy so boredom wont strike me.. Its when boredom comes that I can think of a bottle of beers company..

I just kept in mind that my children are super well taken cared off, considering super rich ng daddy nila.. something na wala ako.. If i get them, i know mahirapan din sako sa gastusin ayoko naman kac umasa ng financial help from him.. sakit kaya isiipin na mukhang pera ka kahit na wala ka pang hiningi.. Sad

Btway, ur name is so catching.. as in scared_and_scared? ohh dont be...we just happened to fell inlove.. with the wrong person for my case i dont know with yours...take care of ur baby...wag kang duwag tulad ko hehehe

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19 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Tue Jan 12, 2016 12:59 pm

wengramos


Arresto Menor
I have been denied of any right to see or visit or even talk to my kids.. I wanted to visit them at school but the school administrator asked me to ask permission from the childrens dad.. Is this right? I didnt even file a custody case as i do not want my children to be affcted.

Is there such thing as a legal order allowing me to see the kids without legal kaso2X na?. i just want a right to visit the kids...

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20 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Tue Jan 12, 2016 8:01 pm

Lunkan


Reclusion Perpetua
"I have been denied of any right to see or visit or even talk to my kids."
Well. I suppouse the SCHOOL can't let you if the kids caretaker say No.
But the question is if their dad have right to deny it. If I have understood corect, it hasn't been decided by any such authorithy. The problem is it's a big risk you will lose a custody case because of the alcohol problem, but if you solve that (proven) then your chance wull be much better.

I don't know if there are such in the Philippines. SUPERVICED meeting with kids, where some OFFICIAL person are there too when a parent with problems visit the kids =Even people with serrious problems can get such rights.
I suggest AFTER you have solved the alcohol problem, not drinking at all in over a month, then you ask the barangay captain for assistance FIRST step being visiting rights.

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wengramos


Arresto Menor
Hi i am back again..i earlier stated that my 2 minor kids were taken away from me withot my permission..i tried fighting for them but i stopped beacuse i have no financial capacity to sustain litigation related expenses and also since some members advised me to settle my personal ossies first...

I visited my kids at school several times but was later disallowed from doing that by the school i asume with the instruction pf the other party..so for a long time i have not been in touch with the other party...

Just awhile ago the father called me asking me to sign docs so he can have passports for the kids as his family plans to have a family trip to hongkong..

Should i sign? If i sign will it mean i am no longer interested with my kids? What are the pros and cons of me signing the docs? He said there will also be docs from dswd and dfa that i have to sign... Should i sign? Plzzz help me decide..thank u

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22 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Fri Aug 19, 2016 5:20 pm

Lunkan


Reclusion Perpetua
Oh sad to hear you can't visit them.

Don't sign, because of the risk they will be used against you.

Is there a risk the passports will be used to move away?
If no, then you can think of signing a document ONLY saying allowing the passports for TRIPS to abroad, and NEGOTIATE first you get a document too allowing you to visit your kids, exchanged at SAME time.

Have you managed to solve your drinking problem?
If yes. (At least so it isn't noticed. ) Have you tried if PAO assist you to get at least visit rights (with some stay over nights regularly)?
I don't know if barangay captains can decide in such cases.

Don't discus it when the kids can hear.
Bring up visitation rights FIRST, try to NOT make an ultimatum of it.

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23 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Fri Aug 19, 2016 7:35 pm

wengramos


Arresto Menor
Thank u always Lunkan.my only wish is for the other party tp know that i have no intention of getting the children away from them..all i want is a time to see my kids..if i ask for document in exchange for my signing of the docs? Baka isipin nila nang black mail ako...and im afraid because pf that they will cancel their trip to hongkong which i know my kids will be very happy about..they have always
Loved disney characters. And the more reason na i will be banned from seeing my kids.no way i can afford that trip for my kids...so nagugulahan ako...sori

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24 Re: do i have a chance?--need help and advices on Fri Aug 19, 2016 8:47 pm

Lunkan


Reclusion Perpetua
I mean. You can START with saying you don't want to take the kids, but want to visit them regularly.. Bring up this BEFORE you talk about the documents. Then you can agree to signing a document which ONLY agree to use Passports (for trips).
If you have managed to improve your alcohol problem, then tell that first.

Why did you need to pay lawyer earlier? As long as you don't sign document giving away your rights, it's the father's work to go to court to get the right he has TAKEN.. I don't know, but I gues PAO assist in such cases.

Good luck.

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